Why people don’t like you, and what to do about it.
There’s a short, TL;DR version at the bottom of the page for those who don’t want to read the whole thing.
A while ago I was in a plane, heading to Europe, listening to Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, when it dawned on me that we are all approval-seeking junkies. We want others to approve our actions, from the person we choose to marry to the career we decide to pursue and even to the type of shops we get food from.
Sure, we can’t help it that much since it’s evolutionarily built into us to some extent. But we can do something about it.
I’m writing this for those people that care too much about the opinions of others. I hope that, if I show you that if you got exactly what you wanted, ultra-approval at a whole-world, 6-billion-people scale, you’d still be screwed.
Here’s why, and what to do about it.
Why Approval Seeking Is a Terrible End Game.
First, let’s imagine that you get all the approval you could get your hands on. Everyone loves you. You’re the Truman Shown on Oprah and Saturday Night Live being streamed through a Netflix Special that’s re-broadcasted on Joe Rogan. Billions of people are watching you, and they love you as you are.
Congratulations.
Yet, who actually are you?
After all, the person reading these words isn’t the same person they were 10 years ago. I know I’m not the same person I was when I was 19 as I am now, and the 39-year-old version of me is probably going to be someone completely different too.
So, even if you got the approval, it would only be a matter of time before you stopped being “you” in the way that you are you right now. Then they would all start to disapprove and want the “old you” back. This happens to famous celebrities and especially musicians all the time, from David Bowie to Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber.
So, all of that is to simply say that you want to be you, and even when you are completely you and they all approve, you’re screwed anyways.
And that brings us onto the second and most important bit…
How To Stop Seeking Approval
Realise at once that if you rely on external approval, like the approbation of your parents, the acceptance of your professors or the admiration of your peers, you are headed down disappointment road.
Anything external, outside of your control, is something you have no influence over. You can do everything right, yet if the people around you had a bad start to the day, it doesn’t matter. They’ll take it out on you and you’ll be to blame. Not because they’re assholes (some are), but just because they’re people (as are you).
The solution is simple: inversion.
Instead of seeking the approval and approbation of others, seek it within yourself. After all, don’t you want to be the type of person that loves and accepts themselves as they are, and as what they could be? As the thing that has the potential to change, to be better, to improve?
If this is your mode of conduct, of focusing exclusively on your own character and being the best version of yourself, then irrespective of what you do, you can have the stability and security of a mountain: at one with yourself, not pretending to be anything you’re not.
Instead of looking like the real thing, you can be it.
People that are sure of themselves, that have their self-worth, don’t shove it in your face because they don’t need to. They don’t see the need to explain and showcase their authenticity, or to parade it around for all to see. They have the inner calm, the inner peace, that we love about them.
Think about a friend that you know who are just themselves. No matter what, no matter where, they will be what they are and nothing else (that’s you, Jackie).
We can’t help but admire them and want to spend time with them because we know that they are being themselves, authentically, and whatever they are doing they are doing it because they want to or wish to, not because they’re trying to be something they’re not.
And you can do the same.
Stop saying things that make you feel weak, stop saying yes to things you couldn’t give a f*ck about, stop pretending to have a good time when you aren’t. Stop going to things you don’t like. Have the courage to be you, the real you, in spite of others, and paradoxically, they will love you and want you more as a result. And equally as important, once you show your “true colours” the people around you that aren’t good for you (nor you for them) will fade away or fizzle out. And that’s exactly what you want.
You want a life of freedom, a life of being your authentic self and spending it with other authentic people, doing authentically-us things together.
So ask yourself, right now, “if I was going to give up one thing that makes me feel inauthentic today, what would it be?”
And now that you have the answer, try it.
Run a 48 hour experiment and just give this thing up. If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to the “old you”.
TL;DR
- Even if you got all approval ever -> Dissatisfied.
- External Approval < Internal Approval.
- Authenticity is the fertilizer that grows a huge Oak with many true friend-branches.
I hope this has been of value, you can let me know in the comments. And remember AFQ: Always Follow Quality.
You can find my work and support me via the below links.
– My Website.
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– Medium.
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Pareto Path 
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